Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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