Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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