Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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