I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
