wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Less talking, more tequila
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
