Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
