Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
