You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
