Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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