I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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