My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
