i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
