I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
we're making bets on your personal life
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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