so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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