I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
