i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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