Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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