If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
We need to get me chipped asap
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize