Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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