I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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