Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize