My friends, they love my intelligence
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
