Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Randomize
