i'm lost and i look like a hooker
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
