On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
