I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
