Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
