Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
