fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
