I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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