I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
