I wish I only lived at night.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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