I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
