I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
