I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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