I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
