Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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