i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
