You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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