The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
