Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
