I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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