i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
