He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
