I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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