1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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