dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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