Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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