WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
