i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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