a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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