Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I have so many feelings about this burrito
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
