I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
