I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
