I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
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My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
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In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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