Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize