I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
