Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
