I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
