when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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